Male to male relationship
What Gay Men Should Look forward to in a Relationship
Some same-sex attracted men put up with a lot in their relationships. Their long-term partners will aggressively flirt with other men in front of them, go residence with a guy from the bar without any forewarning, sleep with ex-lovers without gaining consent from their current lover, or brag to their current boyfriends about the quality of their sex with strangers. Ouch.
Here’s what I find most concerning. Some gay men don’t sense they have a right to be upset about these behaviors. They’ll inquire me why they sense so jealous and how can I help them let go of their jealousy. They think that the gay community believes in sexual freedom and it isn’t cool or manly to object to their partner’s sexual behavior.
In other words, they sense shame for experiencing bruise by the actions of their long-term partners.
Heterosexual couples get plenty of social support for treating their partners with respect when it comes to sex. Outrage is the representative social response when friends are told about poverty-stricken relationship behavior among unbent people. When gay men tell the same heartbreaking stories they are less likely to get a big response. LGBTQ
How Gay Male Relationships are Different
How are gay male relationships different than heterosexual relationships or queer woman relationships?
Fundamentally, the difference is that in gay male bond both partners are governed by the hormone testosterone.
Ken Wilber, the famous philosopher, calls testosterone the “fuck and destroy hormone”.
That doesn’t exactly conjure up intimate nights in front of the fireplace where we permit down our guard and express our innermost secrets.
All this testosterone can sometimes be at odds with creating sentimental intimacy. Often men have to absorb how to attach because estrogen, the connection hormone, is not flowing through our blood in large quantities.
That’s what couples counselors do—we teach connection.
What Gets Us Into Trouble
Men do have a reputation for sometimes being “douchey” when seeking sex. (For those who don’t know, “douchey” is the adjective develop of the noun “douche bag.”)
Sometimes, in the hunt for sex, testosterone takes over and the other part of being male—the more tender part—gets submerged for a while. And in the big cities this sometimes creates a gay male subculture where we disregard that even with a hook up, tende
AsI think back on the past 24 years of providing couples counseling for gay male relationships, I sometimes get asked what the differences are that I see (in general) in queer male relationships that are (again, in general), different from vertical relationships.
I offer these thoughts to both single and coupled gay men, based on my perspective of what I’ve seen through the years. My experiences and observations as a lgbtq+ men’s specialist psychotherapist might differ from other gay men, and even other gay male therapists, and we always have to be mindful of not indulging in unfair assumptions, stereotypes, or even prejudices. But since making a relationship work (which I define, in part, as the relationship’s level of satisfaction for each partner and in its overall longevity and subjective “quality” for each partner) is at least in part based on a skills-building process, skills that I believe are required for a gay male relationship to both endure (quantity) and thrive (quality). These are the issues that come up repeatedly in couples counseling sessions:
1. Money– Gay male couples can hold a lot of conflict around money. Statistically, white men care for to be relatively
Contents
The following research knowledge is summarised from the published operate ofDr. David P. McWhirter, MD and Dr. Andrew M. Mattison, MSW, PhD(professional & personal partners, sadly now both deceased).
Growth in Queer Male Couple Relationships
Over a 5-year period (1974 to 1979), David P. McWhirter, MD and Andrew M. Mattison MSW, PhD interviewed in-depth 156 gay male couples (in the California, San Diego County area) about their significant / intimate couple relationship.
The couples interviewed were not in therapy had been living together as male to male partners anywhere from 1 to more than 37 years, and were not in therapy. The mean age in each affair was 8.7 years, with the median being slightly over 5 years.
This research documents how intimate relationships between two men develop and become sustained.
From the interview data, McWhirter and Mattison identified: Six Developmental Stages Of Relationship between gay male couples(the first four stages occurring within the first 10 years of the couple’s relationship).
These developmental stages of gay couples were originally presented as tentative formulations needing furth